ready2flywww's Xanga

Betrayal...

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 12:56:51 GMT

Funny word.

It's strange. I've unintentionally hurt some people recently, and now that they're purposefully trying to hurt me back, I feel guilty for feeling betrayed...because in their eyes, I betrayed them first.
BUT I DIDN'T.
And now, I'm kind of trapped in this web of lies and deceit, and I want nothing more than for everything to work out. I want nothing more than for them to forgive me for doing whatever it was that I did.
If I could go back, I know I would have done things differently. Handled myself differently. Not been so naive, ignorant, selfish, STUPID!
I'd tell them I'm sorry! But I already have. Multiple times.

This...is...ridiculous.

Searching For The Silver Lining...There's Gotta Be One, Right?

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 17:49:24 GMT

I'm a little lazy. So I'm copying and pasting this entry from my MySpace blog.

Another week. Went by so fast I could hardly keep track of the days.
It's Friday. The skies are completely clear...not a cloud in the sky.
Kind of ironic if you ask me. Seems like there should be at least one
rain cloud up there. At least one.
I like rainy days...though they always do tend to make me sleepy.

I was up so late last night, doing laundry.

My parents left yesterday. They'll be gone for a week. Until NEXT Friday.
Can't say I was remotely sad to say, "Goodbye, Have fun."

Audrey. One more day. Til I see you.

Turnstile
By: Me

You made your own decisions
Don't tell me I didn't warn you enough
'Cause I made it clear to you, best I knew how
And there's no turning back, there's no turning back now

I walked with blind perception
Knowing it was just a matter of time
'Cause you can't fly forever, you're bound to come down
And there's no turning back, there's no turning back now

Try, try, try as you may
But don't tell me I didn't try hard enough
'Cause I gave up everything, blind to the past
Now there's no turning back, there's no turning back

Yesterday's gone
Try to move on from the lies that had bound us together
And I'll remember you
I'll always remember you

Try, try, try as you may
But don't tell me I didn't try hard enough
'Cause I gave up everything, blind to the past
Now there's no turning back, there's no turning back now

Moonpools...

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 15:24:35 GMT

I wish...
I wish.......

"Wishes do no good.
Stop wishing. Stop making yourself the ~~victim~~! It was your fault all along!!!
You need to see the truth...and the truth is that you're all alone.
Honestly, they could care less.
Be stronger because of it. You need them as much as they need you. Which is absolutely none.
Come out on the other side and watch them as they marvel at how you picked yourself up and continued on your journey.
You'll be the strong one while they are trying to find their breath, gasping for air."

I want Ice Cream.
Watched Hostel. How horrid.

Talked to my father about how I've been wanting to move away from here.
He didn't seem to mind that much, and we talked about the different places I'd like to live.
Don't know if it'll happen...any time soon. But it's a start.

Silent Hill...on DVD now.

Cat power is amazing. Definitely HAVE to check her out.

No one is reading this. So I don't know why I'm typing.

I'm bored.

But content.

Don't screw it up.

Patience
By: Maria Mena

Damn you for trusting me
what's wrong with you?
I'll work for nothing less.
Damn you for accepting my immaturity
when I scream for silence
child, I'll work for nothing less.

I need patience, and someone strong enough
to hold my breath for me until the smoke clears.
I need patience, and time to think before I speak,
for when I'm short of breath, I tend to lie.

Damn you for letting me sleep till noon
and get away with it.
I'll work for nothing less.
Damn you for keeping quiet
when I like to
I won't work for anything less.

I need patience, and someone strong enough
to hold my breath for me until the smoke clears.
I need patience, and time to think before I speak,
for when I'm short of breath, I tend to lie.

Maybe...

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 18:24:41 GMT

no.

yes.

no.

yes.

no.

maybe.

I'm sure there's a nice quiet place somewhere in this world where I can go and get away from all of this...shiznukkle

FROU FROU
Sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
Sometimes I'll have you know it's all insane
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to jack it in
Maybe it's time for me to halt...

I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth

Sometimes I like to get away from this saddening crowd
Sometimes I feel my life is all in vain (nn, Diy da, nn da)
Maybe it's time for me to pack it in
Maybe it's time for me to jack it in
Maybe it's time for me to halt...

I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth

Some days my strength walks out
Some days I can't go on
It is for real
We can walk about
We can work it over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and...

I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I've got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Sun, 21 May 2006 17:22:15 GMT

beginnings of a new song

The sign’s up front the bags are packed

You get on the cab and don’t look back

All you left was a note to say goodbye

You’ll follow your heart and go where it leads you

Sometimes it takes a little time to

Find the right time to say goodbye

But you know this isn’t home anymore

It's here...My iPOD came in.

Mon, 15 May 2006 19:25:57 GMT

If we were all living transparent lives. We could all see one another for who we truly are. No more false securities, no more fake smiles, no more meaningless "hellos", "goodbyes", and "I love yous"; 'cause we'd be able to see right through it. I'm not sure how good of a thing that would be, or how bad of a thing. I'd like to think it would make everything better. Nothing more to hide. But it could quite possibly cause nothing more than total and utter chaos.

I wonder if life "in the good ol' days" was really as simple and easy as our grandparents try and make us believe.
"Back when I was your age, I could walk across town without the fear of being shot"....blah blah blah
They were still dealing with the same things we deal with today. Discrimination against sex, race, age and religous beliefs.

And then there's the whole "tolorence" thing. We as Christians are supposed to stand up for what we believe...yet at the same time be tolorent and show God's love and grace to others. Long-suffering, and patient.
Then you have people standing on the side of the road with megaphones condemning people (whom they've never met) to HELL...
Crazy? I say yes.
There's a fine line.
And I'm not sure where that line is yet.

hhhmmm...

I love Copeland

Welcome love, I have made a place for you here

I know every word they say.

I know how they want to make you change.

Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me

I can love you as you are

I didn't mean to make you want to leave

It's a fight between my heart and mind,

No one really wins this time

No one really wins this time

If you don't find the love you want,

if I have acted ungracefully

I don't want to see you go

I never meant to make you want to leave

But go if you want.

Make your way straight to the door.

I hope that you look back before you go

'cause grace looks back before it starts to leave

It's a fight between my heart and mind,

No one really wins this time

No one really wins this time

In the endless fight of grace and pride

I don't want to win this time

I don't want to win this time

Change if you want, but don't you go and change for me

I will love you as you are

I didn't mean to make you want to leave

It's a fight between my heart and mind

No one really wins this time

No one really wins this time

In the endless fight of grace and pride

I don't want to win this time

I don't want to win this time

Midweek Blues

Fri, 12 May 2006 13:23:14 GMT

You remember how I said I have a problem? That I tend to spend money on myself when I'm having a somewhat 'un-perfect' day? Yeah, well my iPOD that I ordered will be in either Monday or Tuesday. Engraved (for free) on the back, it will say "Smile, Tho' Your Heart Is Aching". I can't wait.

Smile tho' your heart is aching,

Smile even tho' it's breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by,

If you smile

thro' your fear and sorrow,

Smile and maybe tomorrow,

You'll see the sun come shin-ing thro' for you

Light up your face with gladness,

Hide ev-'ry trace of sadness,

Al -'tho a tear may be ever so near,

That's the time,

You must keep on trying,

Smile, what's the use of crying,

You'll find that life is still worth-while,

If you just smile

Monday Cappuccinos...

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 13:14:34 GMT

I want one now.

What...the...

Sun, 26 Mar 2006 01:57:19 GMT

Love this one, titled "We just weren't meant to be together" - Kurt Halsey, awesome artsist.

awwww...look at the cute wittle killer Goldfish!...awwwww...
Dave Fooden...great artist!

Light At The End Of The Tunnel...

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 03:54:14 GMT

HaHa...I spent last night with a giant bowl of Vanilla Ice-Cream, a piece of Classic-Coffee-Cake, a Double Chocolate Fudge Cupcake, AND a venti caramel macchiato. While watching four episodes of "Popular: Second Season".
Also, yesterday afternoon, I bought the movie Pride And Prejudice. And I bought two CDs; Augustana - All The Stars And Boulevards, and Aqualung - Strange And Beautiful. Great music.
I'm not feeling too well. I'm going to the doctor either this week, or next. Scary...

I've hit it. Rock Bottom that is.

Okay. So, why is called "Rock Bottom"? Why can't it be "Pillowy Bottom"? I mean, shouldn't the utter hysteria, and fear of death while you're falling be enough punishment? Why put rocks on the bottom? And if not pillows, then I vote for marshmellows. mmm...or cotton-candy. That wouldn't be so bad either. Though I admit, it could get kind of sticky. Then again, so could the marshmellows if it were a warm day, and they were to start melting...gross. I'll just stick with the pillows I guess. They should replace the Rocks with Pillows.
JEEZ...I'm going crazy...seriously. The voices in my head tell me that I should be locked away in an insane alsylum.
There should be a medication for this.

I forget what TV show I was watching yesterday. But I'll quote something from it. I found it to be quite humorous. It said, "Don't you know? The Earth is the mental institution of the Universe." I've found that to be kind of true. Almost everyone has these little quirks, that if you were to really think about it, could quite possibly classify them as "crazy".

I'm rambling...what's my problem!? lol. I had a fun week-end. It was great. No, really, it was. ~_^

Just sitting here, thinking. and thought. that maybe. I need zoloft. although a friend of mine who used it (abused it, is closer to the truth) said he saw vines growing in his bedroom (that resembled jack's beanstalk), and it started twirling around him. suffocating.
Sounds interesting.
But he took too much dosage. Purposefully, for one reason.
I would never do that, though

I want to go to Boston.

(i like Augustana)
I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...